Do you believe that life is about timing and opportunity? I had become reacquainted, fell in love and almost married someone and the timing just wasn’t right. He was in a bad relationship where his relationship with his wife had became strained. She filed for divorce and their marriage ended. However, my marriage was equally as bad and you can imagine where the story is headed. He attended therapy with his wife, and I with my husband. Neither of us wanted to divorce our spouses; him because of their children and he loved his wife, and I because I loved my husband but I discovered that the female gender was not my husband’s type.
I had suspected that my husband was either just a feminine man or he was bisexual. He denied both and for years our marriage was filled with my trying several methods to satisfy him sexually to no satisfaction. However, my friend and I started a relationship that was strictly sexual in nature to keep our relationships in tact, as neither of us wanted to be divorced. He loved his wife and there were children involved. and I did not want to be divorced.
It was great and very satisfying until our feelings were deeply involved. We were what each other needed, emotionally and physically. That can appear to be very selfish, but in all actuality neither parties involved in our relationships were invested. Who were we kidding? No one! Resulting in all parties involved getting divorced.
After the divorce, he mentioned that he wanted to take the relationship to an exclusive level. While I really liked the idea of that because I had become dependent upon him for so much and he I. It really was the next steps of progression in our friendship. It felt good! His babies are just amazing, and I love them so much; just as if they are my own. But was that the proper thing for us? We were friends and cared deeply for one another, that in actuality we should have waited until he cleared and worked through his divorced and healed and me as well. Because what we did was to head full steam ahead with both parties being damaged; him more than me and we crashed and burned, devastating both of our lives.
We really are good for each other, but he is a narcissist and it was so painful to be in a relationship with him. But part of me wondered if we could have made it if the timing had been different and if the healing had happened on both sides. I often thought back to a book that I read around Timing and Opportunity called Persuasion by Jane Austen. It’s about two people meeting and they ultimately separate because the timing wasn’t right and they come together again in the future. I am a hopeless romantic.
I write to heal and I do lots of reflecting. I have moved on with my life and have met some really great men! I enjoy them and I feel really light with them. No heavy stresses from their past creeping up. At the moment, I am getting to know three seemingly good men, and they are all really sweet, kind and actively pursuing me. I wonder, if it is because I am not really interested in them nor interested in dating them. The chase is intense. What I have realized though, if I do not start dating, I will not actually truly know that I have moved past him.
I know I can mention his name, and have people tell me that they have seen him out with women and it does not affect me. I have seen him with a woman that he dated and it did not bother me. Therefore, I feel like I have moved on. However, we have not spoken since the breakup and part of me wonder how I will feel having a conversation with him. Will I find him heavy, or will I see that he has healed? Or he has come to appreciate me? How will I feel after the conversation? That is something I often wonder about.
I think back about the great times of the relationship and what I miss most. I miss the good times that he and I shared alone, the times with the children and oh yea, the sex. When we had good times, they were really good. We were fully connected and the kids were so happy. They thrived and we were a happy family. During those times, the sex was good, I hadn’t given him my best yet. I knew how to make him cum on demand. I loved that! I loved having that sexual power over him, it was quite enjoyable.
I love sex very much, but I love that I learned his body so well. I knew the right movements to get certain responses from him and how I could make him cum! He would always say to me; “Your pussy is so tight!” or “Oh my god!” He would bite his lips! Just thinking about it is making my pussy throb. I knew he liked that, and I always thought to myself that you haven’t seen anything yet. Just wait until I start milking you, you are going to loose your mind. Then when I lift him with my pussy, he is going to go crazy!!!! But we never got to experience that we broke up.
Before our trip to Florida, I made some purchases to take our sex life to the next level and I know he would have been so amazed! We openly discussed our likes and dislikes and how to please one another. So for me, it was a matter of time before he got the full sexual explosion. I was really looking forward to it. Our sex life was good like I said; he had just gotten his new job! The kids were in a really good place! Life was good when his EGO – the narcissistic side of him showed up, and it did not happen. His alter EGO stepped in.
So I am sitting here wondering…. is it because our timing wasn’t right? Or just because the love isn’t there anymore or wasn’t there and he was using me to move past his divorce? Was I the rebound? I think I should talk with him so I am clear in myself and I don’t hurt the guys that I am seeing right now because my inability to fully decide what I want.
Life is about Timing and Opportunity! Don’t let it pass you by!