Timing and Opportunity!

Do you believe that life is about timing and opportunity? I had become reacquainted, fell in love and almost married someone and the timing just wasn’t right. He was in a bad relationship where his relationship with his wife had became strained. She filed for divorce and their marriage ended. However, my marriage was equally as bad and you can imagine where the story is headed. He attended therapy with his wife, and I with my husband. Neither of us wanted to divorce our spouses; him because of their children and he loved his wife, and I because I loved my husband but I discovered that the female gender was not my husband’s type.

I had suspected that my husband was either just a feminine man or he was bisexual. He denied both and for years our marriage was filled with my trying several methods to satisfy him sexually to no satisfaction. However, my friend and I started a relationship that was strictly sexual in nature to keep our relationships in tact, as neither of us wanted to be divorced. He loved his wife and there were children involved. and I did not want to be divorced.

It was great and very satisfying until our feelings were deeply involved. We were what each other needed, emotionally and physically. That can appear to be very selfish, but in all actuality neither parties involved in our relationships were invested. Who were we kidding? No one! Resulting in all parties involved getting divorced.

After the divorce, he mentioned that he wanted to take the relationship to an exclusive level. While I really liked the idea of that because I had become dependent upon him for so much and he I. It really was the next steps of progression in our friendship. It felt good! His babies are just amazing, and I love them so much; just as if they are my own. But was that the proper thing for us? We were friends and cared deeply for one another, that in actuality we should have waited until he cleared and worked through his divorced and healed and me as well. Because what we did was to head full steam ahead with both parties being damaged; him more than me and we crashed and burned, devastating both of our lives.

We really are good for each other, but he is a narcissist and it was so painful to be in a relationship with him. But part of me wondered if we could have made it if the timing had been different and if the healing had happened on both sides. I often thought back to a book that I read around Timing and Opportunity called Persuasion by Jane Austen. It’s about two people meeting and they ultimately separate because the timing wasn’t right and they come together again in the future. I am a hopeless romantic.

I write to heal and I do lots of reflecting. I have moved on with my life and have met some really great men! I enjoy them and I feel really light with them. No heavy stresses from their past creeping up. At the moment, I am getting to know three seemingly good men, and they are all really sweet, kind and actively pursuing me. I wonder, if it is because I am not really interested in them nor interested in dating them. The chase is intense. What I have realized though, if I do not start dating, I will not actually truly know that I have moved past him.

I know I can mention his name, and have people tell me that they have seen him out with women and it does not affect me. I have seen him with a woman that he dated and it did not bother me. Therefore, I feel like I have moved on. However, we have not spoken since the breakup and part of me wonder how I will feel having a conversation with him. Will I find him heavy, or will I see that he has healed? Or he has come to appreciate me? How will I feel after the conversation? That is something I often wonder about.

I think back about the great times of the relationship and what I miss most. I miss the good times that he and I shared alone, the times with the children and oh yea, the sex. When we had good times, they were really good. We were fully connected and the kids were so happy. They thrived and we were a happy family. During those times, the sex was good, I hadn’t given him my best yet. I knew how to make him cum on demand. I loved that!  I loved having that sexual power over him, it was quite enjoyable.

I love sex very much, but I love that I learned his body so well. I knew the right movements to get certain responses from him and how I could make him cum! He would always say to me; “Your pussy is so tight!” or “Oh my god!” He would bite his lips! Just thinking about it is making my pussy throb. I knew he liked that, and I always thought to myself that you haven’t seen anything yet. Just wait until I start milking you, you are going to loose your  mind. Then when I lift him with my pussy, he is going to go crazy!!!! But we never got to experience that we broke up.

Before our trip to Florida, I made some purchases to take our sex life to the next level and I know he would have been so amazed! We openly discussed our likes and dislikes and how to please one another. So for me, it was a matter of time before he got the full sexual explosion. I was really looking forward to it. Our sex life was good like I said; he had just gotten his new job! The kids were in a really good place! Life was good when his EGO – the narcissistic side of him showed up, and it did not happen. His alter EGO stepped in.

So I am sitting here wondering…. is it because our timing wasn’t right? Or just because the love isn’t there anymore or wasn’t there and he was using me to move past his divorce? Was I the rebound? I think I should talk with him so I am clear in myself and I don’t hurt the guys that I am seeing right now because my inability to fully decide what I want.

Life is about Timing and Opportunity! Don’t let it pass you by!

How Do I Let You Go?

How do I let you go, when all of me loves all of you

I see you deep within your heart

It’s lonely, scared, tender, sweet, joyful and full of love waiting to be shared

You extend your hand

I accept your hand

Vices continue to control you

In spite of what you want to do

I will be the one that got away

But why should that be?

EGO!

Let go of him you damn EGO!

I want him!

Not you!

Let GO of him you damn EGO!

How do I let you go?

I don’t want to let you go

But I must let you go

Distance will make it easy to let go

Come on 8/3

I need healing to come!

I love you

But I will let you go

(mwah)!

How To Trust?

As much as I love you, how can I trust you?
As much as I desire you, how can I trust you?
As much as I long for you, how can I trust you?
As much as I want to be with you, how can I trust you?

I see you, but do you see your actions
I wish you see the actions I see
I wish I see what you see

So much pain from actions and sight
So much denial from actions and sight
So much pain from lack of clarity

What is it?
Help me understand
Is it multiple personalities

Do you know what you are doing?
Is ego a personality disorder?
How does the two differ?

Ego takes hold and controls your every action
When ego is leading, where does your loved ones stand?
How do I contend with ego?

I guess this was fate
We were doomed
Ego, lies, fetishes, chicks with dicks
What is this all about?

When you are in love with someone that loves these
What do you do?
Do you desire me?
How do I hold you?

How to trust you?

Never to Exist Again

Relationship is about forgiveness and compromise

Nothing that you want to despise

Things like ogling at other women

Makes it hard for us in the end

There is nothing as painful as heartbreak

Leads to love straying away

Where’s the trust

Where did the love go

Was the magic lost or was it all for show

Trust, love, truth was never present with you

Especially how you lied today oppose to the truth

Denial is a pretty sad thing

Which is why we had to end

The words you wrote, was that pretend

Now we are what you consider has been

Instead of talking to me your best friend you lean on another

Why is that?

Because I was not in the mood to talk about it

Not fair, I have every opportunity to think thing though

Then you lied and went to lunch with another

All the while telling me how much you love me and want to remain with me

Liar

Cheat

Untrustworthy

Taker

These all describe what you represent to me

Done

Over

Never to exist again

Think of You

I think of you, the way you touched me

I think of you, the way you kiss me

I think of you, the way you loved me

I think of you, making love to me

I think of you, the plans for our future

i think of you, what was to be for us

I think of you, our wedding in Virginia

I think of you, taking my hand in marriage

I think of you, waiting for me at the alter

I think of you, saying I do til dead do us part

I think of you, on our honeymoon

I think of you, making love on the beach until the moon and stars

I think of you, playing chess matches for special treatment – wink

I think of you, making dinner everyday forever

I think of you, forever

I think of you, I miss you

I think of you, I love you

Where the Fault Lies

I am angry with you for not fighting for me, fighting for us

I am angry with you for saying that I have drama, but not being able to describe what my drama is

I am angry with you for taking my new life with you and the babies away for me

I am angry with you for not acknowledging your fault in our demise

I am angry with you for not putting our relationship ahead of your desire to be right

I am angry with you for not putting us in front of your ego

I am angry with you for asking me to forgive you, but your unwillingness to forgive me

I am angry with you for all the times I forgave you, and you continued to make me wrong

I am angry with you for your fear

I am angry with you because I still love you

I am angry with you because I cannot stop loving you

I am angry with you for reaching out to me but only because you had noone else

I am angry with you for treating me second fiddle

I am angry with you for being able to say your sorry

Iam angry with you for picking someone else

I am angry with you for not picking me

I am angry with you for telling me you care about me

I am angry with you for not showing me you love and care for me

I am angry with you for lying to me

I am angry with you for not being with your best friend

I am angry with you for not marrying me, your best friend

I am angry with you for wanting to have more than one

I am angry with you for wanting to compare me to another

I am angry with you for taking another lover

I am angry with you for no longer being in love with me

I am angry with you for not planning to marry me

I am angry with you for not mournig our baby with me

I am angry that we do not have a 6 month old baby together

I am angry that some things don’t affect you

I am angry with you

I Loved You

I loved you for who you wanted to be

I loved you for who you dreamed yourself to be

I loved you for the effort you put into change

I loved you for the feeling you felt from change

I miss your effort that you put into change

I miss how you loved me

I miss how you felt in my eyes

I miss superman walking to my door

I miss the connectedness of Superman and Lois Lane