I figured that I would try something new here, so I’m using my phone and talking into it to write an email. I will go through it and look for any strange things that the speech to text might have done wrong, but I promise I won’t do much editing of the content because I know you want to hear things straight as they come out of me. I’m also not just going to tell you the good. There’s pain and fear here too, and I think it’s important for you to hear about it.
When I think of the way that I love you, one of the first things that happens to me is I get this little jolt of adrenaline. At least that’s what it feels like. It’s not quite on my heart where the nervousness hits it’s kind of halfway between my heart in my stomach, like it’s somewhere between excitement and nervousness. This still happens almost every time I think about you even though we’ve been together for almost a year now. I guess emotionally it’s the same way for me to some extent. Because I feel like I bounce between elation and fear a lot of the time when I think about you and the way that I love you. I feel like I go from feeling like the most amazing man in the world to feeling horrible or sometimes even feeling bitter. I’ve open my heart to you, and your moods and your actions have a tremendous sway over me.
When I’m near you in the mood is right I feel a joy that’s almost like something you can touch in the air. It smells and tastes sweet to me and it’s joy like none like I have ever felt. I felt like that a lot on the night we went to see those fights. When we were sitting at the Phoenix having dinner and listening to music and I could look across the table, see your face smiling at me in the candlelight, as you slowly sway back and forth to the music… It was magical. It’s a joy so powerful that I crave it, and it drives me just a little crazy. 🙂 I know that if I could build a life with you with experiences like that, and moments like that strung out day after day, I can’t imagine ever being man on this planet that could be happier than me.
On the other hand there’s the fear. I live everyday loving you knowing that our relationship could be gone in an instant. There’s an old saying about living every day like its your last, but with you I feel like every day could be my last. I feel like it anytime you could have a change in your mood or I could accidentally say the wrong thing and you will cut off the relationship with almost no warning. I’m not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I feel like you’re very unforgiving at times. I also feel sometimes like you are cruel in your decisiveness, and you up in judge very quickly without even bothering to hear an explanation. I feel like any day at any time you could come along and decide our relationship is over. Knowing that you could extinguish one of the brightest lights in my life on a whim without even bothering to ask me my opinion or tell me why, makes me very edgy. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m not more open to you, is because I don’t feel safe. I don’t have any security in a relationship that could go away without warning based on a whim. I logically know that “security” is kind of a fallacy in life, and I know that one of the ground rules of our relationship is that you can end it anytime for any reason, but on top of that knowing that you’re not committed makes me nervous about being committed.
Those moments of anger and bitterness that I spoke of earlier, those are the thoughts that come across my mind whenever something happens that makes you decide you want to end our relationship. A little bit of that anger might be directed at you because of whatever reason has come up to end things, but most of my anger I direct at myself. Of the anger pointed at me, about half of it is anger for whatever it is that I did too make you angry with me, and the rest is me being angry at myself for continuing to put up with this kind of roller coaster ride. When you do get mad at me, the pain is palpable for me too. I get knots in my stomach, my pulse races, and I’ll even feel physically nauseated because I care so deeply for you and worry so much about keeping us together. Loving you brings a lot of uncertainty to my life, and it’s just my nature to hedge against uncertainty. You’ve told me a few times to let my ego go and to be unafraid in being open with you, but the uncertainty of my future with you in a relationship doesn’t make me want to be fearless, it makes me afraid and makes me want to protect my feelings. Some weeks I feel like I’m trying to keep a candle lit in a windstorm.
When I’m around you like I have been this week though, it’s like there’s this container of joy inside of me that gets overfilled every time I see you. It almost makes me feel giddy. The thought of you and the remembrances of being close to you, the memory of the smell and touch of your skin, the way you smile at me… They all keep me going and keep me longing for you when you’re not close enough for me to reach out and touch. I don’t just think about you a few times a day, I think about you all the time. I see things as I go through the day that remind me of you, and whenever my mind starts to wander inevitably my thoughts return to you.
I’ve also told you before that you inspire me, and I mean that very sincerely. Not only do you make me want to be a better person because of the way that you live your life, you also make me feel as though it truly is possible for me to become that better person. You hold yourself to a very high standards, and you make it seem very natural that I should too. It’s a prospect that not only scares me a little, it’s one that excites me with a possibility of being a greater person, a better human being, and having a brighter tomorrow.
So for me, loving you is a combination of all of these things. It’s a mixture of joy, pain, fear, excitement, anticipation, and inspiration. No one has ever affected me like you do.