A narcissist will demean, insult, criticize, pick apart, put down, and do anything to try to inflict pain upon their target. If you do not agree with them, or you do not allow their behavior to continue, they will quickly discard you because you don’t serve their purpose any longer. The narcissists need either people who give them a huge ego boosts, or those who they can put down and hurt. Narcissists always look for conflict and they leave a train of victims, especially within their own families or those that were close to them.
My ex narcissist is extremely clever. He is very charismatic and uses framing as part of his every day communication style. I once asked why he did that? His response was “he was good at it and it was a good defense mechanism.” I then followed up the question with… “What do you get from it?” He had no response for that question.
One example of how he frames a situation and uses certain parts to show himself as a victim would be – Instead of him saying that he did not have enough money to put a down payment on a house, he in turned blamed his ex-wife for not paying her child support for two months. She only paid a few hundred a month in child support and he needed about 25,000. There was no way she could have been the cause of that.
You see, narcissist don’t learn by their mistakes. They are not genuinely remorseful, and therefore not accountable or capable of real change. Rather than acquiesce to the pressure of the reactions of those around them – in order to self-reflect and reform – they create greater defences and bigger and bigger self-maladaptation instead.
The narcissist’s False Self cannot stand being held under scrutiny, because it is above reproach. It is at this time that the narcissistic cracks start opening wider as more fully blown narcissistic tendencies emerge.
If the abused person’s boundaries are up and getting stronger because of the interactions, but are not as yet absolute – the narcissist has to up the ante, and pull out all sorts of stops to appear repentant, make wild promises, and do whatever it takes to get the person back into the relationship.
The person that has started to lay boundaries or continually reinforce them, it is only a matter of time before the tables are turned, and the rug is pulled out from under their feet. The previously “totally remorseful” narcissist will switch to, “Who do you think you are for trying to have power and get the upper hand? NO-ONE holds me accountable and gets away with it!”
What remorse? It will be flung out the window like it never existed.
Once the cycle of violence or in my case, his boisterous temper emerged, the narcissist would then pull away and return to their previous behavior. Especially if the narcissist had to say “sorry” means the cruelty will escalate to unthinkable levels.
I myself have experienced the return bouts as horrendous; they happened more and more frequently and more vocally violent. This formula has been identically witnessed within my friends and family from time and time again.
This is why it is so important to realize that when people cross the line into conscienceless, non-empathetic pathological behaviour – they have left their soul behind. Definitely an addict who acts like this due to an addiction can reform, if humble personal responsibility is taken, and if they heal and the addiction ceases.
But someone who behaves like this because of an ingrained Personality Disorder – forget it.
I have never known ONE case of a narcissist, who is capable of unspeakable pathological acts, reform and change. The reason being … even if he or she wanted to, the inner disowned wounds that are severely driving the extreme behaviour have taken over the narcissist (the condition of extreme unconsciousness). They are forever bubbling, just waiting to explode up and out, or to be triggered off on a hair-line detonator.
If these wounds are never addressed and healed, reform is impossible – that is the bottom line. The narcissist has NO power to stop such an unconscious wounded force, even if he or she wanted to logically. It would only ever be by meeting and dealing with the extreme subconscious wounds that there would be a chance – and no narcissist will commit to meeting their Inner Being with daily dedication for extended periods of time.
Their whole life is constructed to avoid doing this. Instead of dealing with the pains of the past and apologizing to those they’ve hurt, they instead run from the pain of saying I am sorry and really meaning it and healing their own pain points of their past to have a successful meaningful relationship.