Reason or Results

I just read this profound statement by someone from a personal development seminar. It reads; “You can have reasons or you can have results, but you can’t have both.”

Looking back at my life, when I didn’t get something I wanted, it was because I really didn’t want it bad enough at that time.

I had some reasons (excuses). I had a nasty (and unfortunately common) habit that repelled the very things I desired from coming to me. But after I re-focused and prioritized what was important I got my desire results.

Just a thought that I wanted to share with you. What are your reasons/results?

True Narcissists!

A narcissist will demean, insult, criticize, pick apart, put down, and do anything to try to inflict pain upon their target. If you do not agree with them, or you do not allow their behavior to continue, they will quickly discard you because you don’t serve their purpose any longer. The narcissists need either people who give them a huge ego boosts, or those who they can put down and hurt. Narcissists always look for conflict and they leave a train of victims, especially within their own families or those that were close to them.

My ex narcissist is extremely clever. He is very charismatic and uses framing as part of his every day communication style. I once asked why he did that? His response was “he was good at it and it was a good defense mechanism.” I then followed up the question with… “What do you get from it?” He had no response for that question.

One example of how he frames a situation and uses certain parts to show himself as a victim would be – Instead of him saying that he did not have enough money to put a down payment on a house, he in turned blamed his ex-wife for not paying her child support for two months. She only paid a few hundred a month in child support and he needed about 25,000. There was no way she could have been the cause of that.

You see, narcissist don’t learn by their mistakes. They are not genuinely remorseful, and therefore not accountable or capable of real change. Rather than acquiesce to the pressure of the reactions of those around them – in order to self-reflect and reform – they create greater defences and bigger and bigger self-maladaptation instead.

The narcissist’s False Self cannot stand being held under scrutiny, because it is above reproach. It is at this time that the narcissistic cracks start opening wider as more fully blown narcissistic tendencies emerge.

If the abused person’s boundaries are up and getting stronger because of the interactions, but are not as yet absolute – the narcissist has to up the ante, and pull out all sorts of stops to appear repentant, make wild promises, and do whatever it takes to get the person back into the relationship.

The person that has started to lay boundaries or continually reinforce them, it is only a matter of time before the tables are turned, and the rug is pulled out from under their feet. The previously “totally remorseful” narcissist will switch to, “Who do you think you are for trying to have power and get the upper hand? NO-ONE holds me accountable and gets away with it!”

What remorse? It will be flung out the window like it never existed.

Once the cycle of violence or in my case, his boisterous temper emerged, the narcissist would then pull away and return to their previous behavior. Especially if the narcissist had to say “sorry” means the cruelty will escalate to unthinkable levels.

I myself have experienced the return bouts as horrendous; they happened more and more frequently and more vocally violent. This formula has been identically witnessed within my friends and family from time and time again.

This is why it is so important to realize that when people cross the line into conscienceless, non-empathetic pathological behaviour – they have left their soul behind. Definitely an addict who acts like this due to an addiction can reform, if humble personal responsibility is taken, and if they heal and the addiction ceases.

But someone who behaves like this because of an ingrained Personality Disorder – forget it.

I have never known ONE case of a narcissist, who is capable of unspeakable pathological acts, reform and change. The reason being … even if he or she wanted to, the inner disowned wounds that are severely driving the extreme behaviour have taken over the narcissist (the condition of extreme unconsciousness). They are forever bubbling, just waiting to explode up and out, or to be triggered off on a hair-line detonator.

If these wounds are never addressed and healed, reform is impossible – that is the bottom line. The narcissist has NO power to stop such an unconscious wounded force, even if he or she wanted to logically. It would only ever be by meeting and dealing with the extreme subconscious wounds that there would be a chance – and no narcissist will commit to meeting their Inner Being with daily dedication for extended periods of time.

Their whole life is constructed to avoid doing this. Instead of dealing with the pains of the past and apologizing to those they’ve hurt, they instead run from the pain of saying I am sorry and really meaning it and healing their own pain points of their past to have a successful meaningful relationship.

A Real Man’s Love

A man that truly loves a woman… is more concerned with spending time than spending money.

He is her leader, and not her dictator.

He does not cheat because he know that he’d be cheating himself.

He gives her freedom, not captivity.

He encourages her dreams while chasing his.

He shows her off to the world because her light in his life is so bright he can’t hide it.

There are a lot of women and men that have a misunderstanding about what a real man’s love look like.

Some fear vulnerability and view it as a bad thing, but it is not.

Tony A Gaskins Jr.

The Puppeteer

The puppeteer is the narcissists. When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist you end up feeling like a worn out puppet – tethered toxically to a person who control your thoughts through their emotions.

You always feel like you have to be careful of what you do and say even though they have the freedom to do and say as they wish. You have to tip toe, acquiesce, sacrifice, be mindful, and always obsequiously attentive. When you associate with them. You feel as though your free-will has been taken from you.

Why? Because they are pulling the strings that emotionally torment or drain you. If you have been in a relationship like this, it is a relief to get a way from him or her and when you look back, manipulation doesn’t even begin to cover what you have experienced.



This is so poignant and true. My lesson learned was; “When my ex consistently thrust me into situations and then “frame” the situation and create a lie about me or something that I had done. His goal was to break me emotionally so he could have something really to complain and say see, I told you.” He almost succeeded, but I woke up and I walked away! I saw the color in my life beginning to turn gray and I just did not like the look, nor the feeling it was leaving me with.

I am so much better now, and more full of life. Stepping into my true self again, and pursuing my life goals that I put on hold to reassure him that he did fit in my life.

Thanks Kim Barber

Work Work Work!

Work, Work Work… personal growth work, self love work, claiming your worth work. The reason why many fail at dating, mating & relating is they haven’t done the work… in fact, they want it to come easy. There’s nothing easy about self reflection or self empowerment if it’s new to you and there’s nothing easy about personal responsibility if you’ve played the victim. But here’s the benefit when you’ve done the work… love comes easily, it’s not who you expect and it comes at just the right time.

Oh my gosh! I said to my ex-fiance over and over again. Do the work, and heal yourself from your past relationship. We were friends and I did not want to damage that friendship. However, he pressed on and I gave in, ultimately the relationship did not make it because he did not do the work. I have was in a long-term relationship with two men that played the victim. One victim’s story – it was my ex’s fault. I could not potty train my son. I could not cook meals because she would get so mad! On and on and on! I would ask him how did it get that way? You’re the man! You set the direction of the family! I don’t understand. Well, once we were in a relationship, I saw what the problem was. He did not know how to lead. That is a problem with men from my era and I am a women in my 40’s! They do not know how to lead, but they want the respect of a leader.

The second man in my life, came from a family of manipulative women. He was raised by them and did not know if he wanted to be with a man or a woman! He was very effeminate. I asked, so does that mean you’re gay or are you straight? Then followed with the question of; “Why me?”

Both like and fell in love with me for my strength and perseverance, drive and determination. Ultimately, that was the breaking point…. they could not handle my drive and determination.

It is true what they say that you learn about people the more intimate and close you become to them and that is when a lot of relationships fail. When they let their guard down and their true colors show, you will either love and leave them.

Be who you are in the beginning so you don’t waste time and destroy the lives of good people. I am who I am always, and I believe in letting the chips fall where they may.

Thanks Jonathan Aslay

There’s A Difference Between Love And Sex! Why Can’t I Have Both Of Them?

Thank you to for the quote from “illustratederoticsexpositions”, that sparked this piece of work. At the moment, I am feeling in my womanliness. Take that as you will, chances are you’re probably right! 🙂

Mantak Chia, leading Chi Gong master, said it best in one of his books.

To paraphrase, he said: “It takes 21 years for a man to know a woman.  7 years to know her body, 7 years to know her mind and 7 years to know her spirit.”  How many men are willing to take 7 years to know a woman’s body?  That alone could solve so many sexual problems.  And how many men would then be willing to spend another 7 years to know her mind, how she thinks, how he can say things in a way that helps her to feel feminine, sexy, beautiful, sensual and powerful?  And how many men would then be willing to go deeper into the psyche and discover the deeper knowing of her spirit?  How many women could spend 7 years discovering the nuances of how to pleasure their man physically, and then 7 years to truly understand how he thinks and feels, and another 7 years to assist him to open to his inner spiritual knowing?

Is She Making Love Or Fucking Him?

So this is very interesting. Is what we are experiencing now with our mate, having sex but playing the role of someone that is in love? Do you really know the person lying next to you? Their inner sexual desires? Their life goals, fears? I did not know my sexual desires until it was brought out of me. Now I love oral, dominatrix, and being the submissive one as well in the relationship. I like being the woman and taken care of.

But in the same breath is it wrong to just to fuck more than make love? Does that mean that you are not really in love with that person? Just curious! Lots running in my head after reading his blog.