Reframing – Or should I say Gaslighting is a trait that is done really well by a narcissist. They pull bits and pieces from separate situations to make a new truth regarding a situation. I was in a really bad relationship with a narcissist that actually lasted for almost 3 years. Guess what??? I almost married him. I just kept saying to myself that it just did not feel right, and he continually tried to convince me that he was the one for me. Not showing me, but as I stated… “trying to convince me,” and when I finally left, what did he do??? He started to name bash me, and lying on me.
He would make statements such as I stole from his mother! Really??? He blamed me because he could not honor his word or better yet… he could not do what he said he would do. The final demise of this relationship resulted in my leaving a very expensive trip that his mother paid for! However, all of that was contingent upon our resolving our issues within the relationship, which did not happen prior to the trip. I shared with him my reluctance to go because of that and he said we will have no problems he promised and because I loved him… I believed him.
Total disaster! Ultimately we broke up two days into the week long trip.
He called me every name under the sun.. Then he in turn started telling another set of lies telling someone that I knew that I stole from him… Which is totally untrue. Which is it? You or your mom… I was getting so confused. I never stole from him.
I had purchased some things to keep at his home while I was there and when I left I took all the things that I purchased, with the exception of the bed that I allowed him to keep.I out earn him 3 to 1. That is a fact! No fluffing, lying, it is a fact! Which was a problem and he was so jealous of.
Hell, I got him his new job. I had to nag him to look for a job after he got fired for sub par work. I prepped him by interviewing him, completely redoing his cover letter and resume. Putting together an interview packet for him to take with him. The tools I taught him never fails! I am sure he will add these to his arsenal to manipulate women into thinking he is someone. They lure, and he will…
He had interviewed twice and did not get either job and when I stepped him and prepared him he got the job. I defined him! I gave him great tips for interview, relating during the interview, proper tools to take on an interview. Especially when you’re interviewing for a Director level position. Following my lead, he landed the position. What does narcissists do, take credit for your successful and not acknowledge their failure or shortcomings.
I had never been in a relationship with a narcissistic person before. The experience was totally jarring. When he, the narcissist makes the shift, it is a shock and you are completely not ready for it. You feel as if things are your fault. I was really taken back when I realized what was happening. Who wants to be constantly on guard when they communicate to their narcissistic mate. How draining and exhausting is that?
Nothing is ever their fault! EVER!!!! The best line that he would use to apologize is; “I am sorry you feel that way, or better yet… I am sorry you feel that hurt your feelings.” Oh my gosh, what a crock of shit! Come on!!! Really?
They know how to use words to manipulate you into doing things for them. Structuring sentences to get their way.
Narcissists also give shitty gifts, as I look through my gifts he gave were downright useless. He would say I love you, and the gifts were not anything that I would ever want or match I love you. Which really showed me how he felt.
He was never empathetic towards anything, situation or anyone. It’s so interesting, how all his empathic responses were always scripted in their delivery. He has a second life profile where he has this alter personality going on along with his online porn addiction, and fantasy lifestyle. Narcissistic people are very secretive.
He tried to get me to move in with him, and I kept having second thoughts. What I learned a narcissistic person wants is to get his victim under their complete domain and control. When I would object to moving in, he would make actions and do things that I wanted him to do in an effort to convince me to move in. Ultimately, I did not move in and of course it was thrown back in my face what he did for me to make me feel comfortable in his home.
He built a shelf in the closet, wow!!!! I asked for him to get rid of the spiders(brown recluse spiders), and clean his office and make space for my desk. Oh, he cleaned half the office where my desk would be. I could go on forever! As I write this, I ask myself why was I even there???
Narcissistic are so convincing and they will use whatever devices to lure you and get you. He used his children. I just loved them. They were such loving children, and I enjoyed interacting with them, since my children were grown and in college or on their own they really filled a desire to share love in my life. I got to love on children again, play games with them. Do hair and nails, just all the girlie things.
Narcissistic people are negativity hyper critical of other people. That was him all the time. Everything was his ex-wife’s fault, and now my fault. His 6 year old was not potty trained and unable to read and according to him it was because of his ex-wife. She would not do anything and that she would insist that he wear pull-ups. I taught him how to potty train his son, and taught him how to teach his son to read. Purchased the tools for his son to learn to read, and showed his children authentic love with no strings attached.
The most frustrating was he would not bathe his children everyday, and really once a week. His ex the same. I don’t understand it!!! They were known as the stinky kids. I said to him, how in the HELL would you dare leave your home and you look, dress and smell better than your children. I felt so bad for them. All that changed with me in their lives. They asked me to never leave and to marry their dad, because their dad is nice when I am around. My heart just sank and I told them that I would not leave…
Honestly his family thanked me for that. Again, I could go on and on. Being a nice person that loves helping people. I felt this was where I needed to be, that this family needed me. I stayed and helped as I best felt I could. That is how I was raised, and being a Christian, it is what you do. I loved him based on the persona he portrayed. There is a name for that… Bait and Switch!
Backstabbing is another trait and a complete disrespected people boundaries. He would talk about his friends and point out their faults. I once discovered a chat conversation he had about me with one of his female fetish friends, his complaining about my having to work oppose to going to breakfast with him for Father’s Day this year. I was so remorseful in my not being with him and having him exploit that was so insulting and offensive to me. Getting him to respect my boundaries were non-existent. I did not get it at first. I literally thought that he just did not get it because men are very linear thinkers and that he could not get it conceptually until I learned about narcissistic people and their traits.
Narcissistic people also mistreat people who they feel are inferior for example we would go out for a meal and treat the servers terribly all to get free meals. Talking about cleanliness of utensils and dishes, how his food was prepared. So much so, I would not interact with him in that capacity longer. I would always offer to pay because it was so embarrassing.
But his house was filthy, stinky and literally falling apart. Floors aren’t level, major foundation issues, and no upkeep at all. His mom would come down and attempt to make his house look like a home and he glorifies it, as he describes it. That is another concept of a narcissistic person. They glorify themselves massively, and their possessions, profession, income when in reality it is nothing like what they describe. They have these grandiose ideas that they are going to do, and that is another lure. When in reality, they are not going to do anything.
My narcissistic said he was running for political office. Well impossible, because he lives in the strip clubs and pays for hookers from what I was told. His alter ego’s and what he’s done there will clearly not allow that to happen. He brags that he makes over 6 figures, but he is barely making it. He is a paycheck to paycheck person and has very little savings. But of course that is his ex-wife’s fault also according to him. Not that fact that he cannot save money, he spends all the time. He has extensive legal bills, but he is on an online dating site and spending his child support taking women out for dinner, driving long ways to see them. But yet, he almost went to jail for unpaid income taxes. OMG! really! You need to get your life right, and stop borrowing money from your parents and PAY YOUR OWN BILLS! You are 44 years old, stop living off your parents, and get off the dating site, stay out of the strip clubs and take care of those beautiful children. How can you do this to them? I don’t get it!!!
You say how can someone fall for a person like this? Well the way he presented himself in the beginning is completely opposite of who he really is. They do that and fall quickly, tell you how much they really care and move to the next level really quickly. I was so open, because we worked together for 10 years. I gave him a pass, and I felt like I would help him and we grow together as a couple and raise those beautiful children and give them a great life in a loving household. I did not want to judge him for his situation. What would that make me? Selfish, judgmental. It was not me, I wanted to have someone that had the same goals, which is what he was saying, etc. none of which was true.
When you discover their faults and try discussing them they have an excuse why things are the way they are… I tried helping him around the house and cleaning it up, as well as helping him fix things around the house and he would sit back and watch me do it. In hindsight, that is what he wanted…
Amazing, once my eyes opened up. Thank god for Psychology! When I read this letter written by a narcissist, it immediately reminded me of some responses I would get from him when he would tell me he love me and I sometime say why? His response was never too far off from this letter.
Read this letter -> http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/.
I left him and I am so thankful I have. I have successfully moved on and am so much better for it. The one word that I heard recently used by someone recovering from a narcissistic relationship was they can now “BREATHE!” How perfect of a word… “Breathe!”
I am in the best shape of my life. I am competing as a fitness model, onstage sharing my poetry and stories in an open mic forum, moving to Los Angeles, California, working and finishing my psychology degree. I am air! Life is wonderful and I am truly happy and happy with myself.
In my moments of reflection, I thought do I regret this relationship and I honestly don’t. It was a learning experience of life and to teach me about different types of people. More importantly, I was able to love again. When he came into my life I was so closed after a horrible 10 year marriage that I was preparing to leave. Because we had history, that was his in into my life and he shared that he had a crush on me during the 10 years we had known each other.
Filter, filter, filter people. Take my lesson and learn from them. Share this with your male and female friends. Narcissist’s are not just men, women possess this trait as well. Choose with caution and make sure you are sure of yourself in any relationship you are in. Just know I am sharing this as part of my healing. Otherwise, this would not be shared in this forum. I am a private person that does not share this type of family business.
KNOW THY SELF!!!